There is nothing I would like to do more than explain to you why I’m standing here with stolen goods and my rapier sticking out of this still-warm corpse, officer. I assure you, I have a completely reasonable and plausible explanation.
Singing songs and strumming lutes might be fine for most bards. Who doesn’t like a rousing shanty now and then? But standing in a crowded tavern playing for copper pieces tossed by commoners isn’t for everyone—and it certainly isn’t for bards in the Acq Inc world. The power and magic tied up in the voice of a franchise bard is meant for greater things. More profitable things.
Adventuring and commerce are where the true lessons of life are learned, and your bardic magic guarantees your mastery of those lessons. Your love of music has shown you that the world of commerce is a finely tuned instrument in its own right—and you’re just the one to pluck it.
As a bard, you’re known as the go-to figure when things need to get done. Your tremendous array of skills and abilities mean that you’re often the first one called upon to do the hard jobs. And if you’re going to do something difficult, you might as well do it with panache. Since most of your franchise compatriots likely think “panache” is some kind of elven delicacy, it’s all the more impressive.
Jumping a small pit? Land with the flourish of a world-class gymnast! Slaying a kobold? Take it down with a legendary oath, and no one will realize that an asthmatic farmhand could have done the same thing with a rusty sickle. Running across a room? Use prestidigitation to blow your hair back, making it look like you have the speed and grace of Corellon themself.
When others pick on you about being a bard, you need only remind them that you and you alone have the power to insult creatures to death. Just the other day, your harsh word about a goblin’s haircut caused it to keel over, bleeding from its ears. But with such great power comes the great responsibility—of not being lame. When you use your spells and class features to denigrate your enemies into an early grave, you need to have a number of tried and true zingers at hand to add the perfect insult to the ultimate injury.
| d20 | Insult |
|---|---|
| 1 | Did your mother have any children who lived? |
| 2 | Who dressed you, a grimlock? |
| 3 | You smell like a hell hound’s hindquarters. |
| 4 | You’re as helpful as a halfling. |
| 5 | Let me guess. You’re a self-taught wizard? |
| 6 | Your personality has all the warmth of a winter wolf. |
| 7 | You’re the loveliest hag in the coven. |
| 8 | You’re not the sharpest piercer in the cave. |
| 9 | Aren’t you a little short for a giant? |
| 10 | Truly, your intellect is as deep as a Tenser’s floating disk. |
| 11 | Did you wake up in a troglodyte den this morning, or is that how you normally smell? |
| 12 | You must have been sick the day they taught fighting at warrior school. |
| 13 | Gruumsh must have closed his eye when he created you. |
| 14 | I can see you, but where’s the dragon that pooped you out? |
| 15 | You’ve got all the good sense of a mind flayer’s last meal. |
| 16 | You don’t know a beholder from a gas spore. |
| 17 | I suspected you’d fallen out of the idiot tree, but I didn’t know you were dragged through Stupid Forest afterward. |
| 18 | There’s nothing about your looks that a full-face helmet wouldn’t improve. |
| 19 | You’re about as useful as an orc horde at a tea party. |
| 20 | I’ve seen better-looking faces on a gibbering mouther. |
While being the most impressive member of the party can be beneficial, it does come with some drawbacks. Attention and renown make others fear and respect you for sure, but that renown eventually draws sworn enemies to you whose sole purpose is your downfall. And no matter how fast you eliminate or convert one of those enemies, it’s only a matter of time before another one takes their place.
| d10 | Enemy |
|---|---|
| 1 | A guard captain who was fired for failing to catch you after you flouted the law |
| 2 | A former master bard whose songs you stole and knowledge you plundered |
| 3 | A lesser noble who you double-crossed in a brilliant scheme |
| 4 | A fallen paladin who you tricked into breaking their oath |
| 5 | A leader of another adventuring party who blames you for their downfall |
| 6 | A former adventuring partner who you cut loose because of their lack of skill. |
| 7 | The master of a powerful guild whose wares you were involved in pilfering |
| 8 | A government official who you tricked into providing secrets |
| 9 | A former tavern owner who lost their business when you implicated them in a scheme they weren’t actually involved in |
| 10 | A moneylender who you inadvertently bankrupted |
The loose association of minstrels and masters that was your bard college helps to define your knowledge and skills. Still, no matter what your original collegiate connections, as a bard in an Acquisitions Incorporated campaign, you now focus that learning into your own personal school of business.
The lessons taught by the College of Glamour are right in your wheelhouse. Being able to make friends and influence people is the bread and butter of your profession. Rather than ply this trade in public squares and seedy alehouses, however, you have trained yourself to deliver your speeches in boardrooms and guildhalls. It’s all about convincing people to see your side of an issue—then motivating them to do exactly what you want.
Some people swear by a well-rounded liberal-arts education. But the lore you seek out is a little more useful in its application. Knowing the capital cities of all the nations of the world might be nice on trivia night down at the tavern. But knowing the identity and location of a dozen nobles’ illegitimate children carries a little more utility in the adventuring world.
The College of Whispers teaches a skill set that’s attractive in terms of its power, but which can be incredibly off-putting to anyone with any moral compass. Thankfully, that’ll never be a problem for you. The ability to mess with others’ minds is a skill that needs to be used cautiously and wisely. Otherwise, you’ll never gain the much-needed trust that’s part and parcel of being an effective business leader.