My companions did what!? The screams could be heard from how far away!?
When many hear “paladin,” they can’t help but envision a knight in shining armor, helping innocent people in distress and living a life of utmost virtue and chastity. Yawn. In the world of Acquisitions Incorporated, at least some small part of a paladin’s dedication is focused on the code of business. Morals and ethics are all good. But an Acq Inc paladin knows that nothing puts food on the plates of the poor and roofs over the heads of the dispossessed better than cold, hard cash.
And virtue and chastity are more guidelines than rules anyway. Right?
¶ Personnel Bodyguard
All life is sacred. Well, some lives are sacred. Okay, fine. The people you protect are sacred. On certain days, everyone else is negotiable. As an Acquisitions Incorporated paladin, you are dedicated to the protection of your fellow franchisees out of loyalty and duty—and because you can’t earn all that sweet coin on your own.
In your role as the party’s bodyguard, your unmatched training and sense of honor drive you to take untold risks as you put others’ lives before your own. Your heavy armor is as fearsome as your heavy morals, and your healing ability, bonuses to saving throws, and lack of fear create a trifecta of comfort. Your natural leadership role also comes into play, as the squishier members of your party come to rely on your presence and protection.
¶ Things Best Left Unsaid
Every character has a few private matters they’d rather not share, but the truth-and-honesty stakes usually aren’t as high for others as they are for a paladin. If there’s any extra drama in your life, chances are it stems from a terrible secret in your background that you need to constantly struggle to keep. What’ll happen if your friends and allies learn of your dark past? How might a sadistic DM put pressure on you throughout the unfolding story to keep your secret at all costs?
¶ Terrible Secrets
| d6 | Secret |
|---|---|
| 1 | Before taking your paladin oath, you accidentally publicly humiliated a good friend. You have sworn to make it up to them, despite them wanting nothing to do with you. |
| 2 | You took another person’s identity to escape the law in your younger days — and quickly came to realize that this person was far cooler than the real you. If anyone finds out your true identity, your reputation will suffer. |
| 3 | You were the child of nobles who were found guilty of stealing vast sums from their subjects. If your identity is discovered, you might be hunted down. But you might also be in line for a massive inheritance. |
| 4 | You once belonged to an organization that was eventually banned because a typo in its name made it appear seditious. If anyone discovers this, you run the risk of being mistaken for an enemy of the realm. |
| 5 | You made a deal with a fiendish creature to escape trouble or save another character’s life. Emissaries of this fiend appear occasionally to tell you that the paperwork regarding the debt you owe is temporarily lost, but they’re working on it. |
| 6 | You owe an enormous amount of money to a forgetful and amoral person. So far, that person has made no sign of wanting you to repay the debt, and you have no idea what to do about that. |
¶ Fixer of Problems
When problems arise as a result of your franchise’s operations — and clearly through no fault of your own — you fix those problems as only you can. You excel at remaining calm and attacking each challenge logically and deliberately. Especially comforting to your teammates is your insistence on using a witty catchphrase to raise their spirits in the midst of the greatest danger. Your companions take great pride in your catchphrase, even if they’re too shy to admit it.
¶ Legendary Catchphrases
| d8 | Catchphrase |
|---|---|
| 1 | Looks like this is the end. So let’s go back to the beginning. |
| 2 | There’s only one way out of this pickle, and that’s by breaking a few jars! |
| 3 | Looks like trouble has some vacation time coming up. So let’s book it a nice inn. |
| 4 | We’ve got a real game of cat and mouse here… so it’s time to eat some cheese. |
| 5 | Is that all I’ve got?! |
| 6 | It’s always darkest before the dawn, except when the moon is full. So let’s moon! |
| 7 | We might be beaten, but we’re not beaten! Because “beaten” means different things in both those contexts! |
| 8 | “Surrender” is my middle name, but it was a family thing and I never use it! |
¶ Sowing Your Oaths
Stand up as straight as possible. Being a paladin is mostly about posture, and most people don’t realize that. Evil drow slouch, but in this house, we are turgid to the point of discomfort!
— Donaar Blit’zen
The oath that you take (or break) as a paladin defines your character as a center of moral authority in the world. And that works just fine in an Acquisitions Incorporated campaign, albeit with a few minor adjustments.
¶ Oath of Conquest
Most paladins who take the Oath of Conquest consider martial subjugation the ultimate form of defeat for an enemy. You have a wider view, though, and are able to embrace monetary or business-related conquest as equally fulfilling activities. Is a business rival really all that different from a rampaging dragon? Both are dangerous and antisocial, and both sit on a hoard of wealth that could be yours if you’re brave enough to take it.
¶ Oath of Devotion
As a paladin devoted to the ideals of order and justice, you’re in a perfect position to guide your franchise to great ends—even as you make an excellent foil for the less-savory plans of your fellow franchisees. Your insistence on dealing with business partners fairly, honoring legally signed contracts, and promoting the general welfare of the world helps you cement your franchise’s reputation as a group worth dealing with. It might just take a little bit of convincing for your fellow party members to see things your way.
¶ Oath of Vengeance
The fury brought to bear by an Oath of Vengeance paladin fits well into most Acquisitions Incorporated campaigns. Those who break contracts, renege on deals, fail to repay debts, or otherwise break their word can expect a visit from you in your role as the executor of vengeance. And if your fellow franchisees can make a bit of profit by picking up the pieces when your job is done, then everyone’s happy.