No, you don’t understand. My magic exists outside of any known reality. I wield the power of an entity that dwells beyond space and time. Clearly, none of the profits created by that magic are taxable in this realm.
A warlock can be an authoritative asset to an Acquisitions Incorporated franchise, as their known association with powerful otherworldly forces makes for a great starting point in tough business negotiations. Likewise, a warlock’s pact is the definitive binding contract, providing a unique insight into matters of debt and obligation.
The only thing you need to watch out for is making sure your work-life balance is in order. You want to be seen by your staff as the suave, fashionable master of your franchise’s occult services, not the creepy weirdo with the glowing eyes always chuckling maniacally to yourself. As convenient as it might seem, remember that interns are not automatically potential sacrifices. Always check the individual contract first.
¶ Eldritch Affectations
Being beholden to a strange, otherworldly entity gives you a certain style that none can match. Sometimes this style takes the form of an interesting quirk that makes you the memorable master of the dark arts you are.
¶ Otherworldly Quirks
| d10 | Quirk |
|---|---|
| 1 | Every meal you eat must involve copious amounts of raw onions. |
| 2 | When you are in a stressful situation, you shout every fourth word you speak. |
| 3 | You have a second set of ears that emerge and retract whenever you are actively listening. |
| 4 | You can’t bear to touch anything valuable without wearing gloves. |
| 5 | When you wash or bathe, anything less than uncomfortably hot water feels cold to you. |
| 6 | You have to slap some creature roughly before you can get a good night’s sleep. |
| 7 | You’re just not comfortable unless your clothing features garishly contrasting colors or patterns. |
| 8 | When you cast a spell, the verbal or somatic component must involve a mild obscenity. |
| 9 | Your hair grows so quickly that you must cut it during every short or long rest. |
| 10 | When people call you by your correct name, you constantly admonish them by telling them your correct name. |
¶ Master of Idiom
As a warlock, you bring every dark aspect of your dark path and darker calling to bear darkly on your franchise’s operations. Wrapping yourself in mysterious defensive power or tagging an enemy in the face with eldritch blast are just as valuable for corporate espionage as for tomb raiding.
How you present yourself to the world at large is often a subtle reflection of your patron. Being a member of an Acquisitions Incorporated franchise means you have no trouble wearing suitable business apparel to make the right impression. But whether that stylish suit is made from fine Calimshan silk or the flayed skin of fiends is totally up to you.
¶ Marketing Is Everything
There’s an old Luskan saying: “They could sell water to a sahuagin and it would come back for a refill.” And that’s you in a nutshell—using the connections of your pact to sell your skills, your services, and your legend. The right people need to hear about you, and the wrong people need to be completely unaware of your existence. A good motto for yourself (and your franchise, if the other characters are worthy) can be the difference between wasted days in endless taverns waiting for opportunities, and constantly filling your bag of holding with the sweetest loot.
¶ Cool Mottos
| d8 | Motto |
|---|---|
| 1 | “I don’t break even; I get even.” |
| 2 | “I’m the prophet of profit, and I’ve got a prediction for success.” |
| 3 | “Victory is the finest perfume, and I smell delightful.” |
| 4 | “Your treasure is my business.” |
| 5 | “To err is human, so I’m not.” |
| 6 | “I get the job done rather than thinking up fancy mottos.” |
¶ Robust Patronage
A diligent, results-minded individual is contracted to perform services for a higher-up, in exchange for career advancement. Have I described the perfect employee, or a warlock? Yes.
— K’thriss Drow’b
Standard Dark Spellcaster Franchise Rules
- No summoning circles in the bathroom.
- No “tentacle talk” during mealtimes.
- You must wear a gag at bedtime. That constant screaming makes it hard for everyone else to fall asleep.
- Other party members’ rations are for their own consumption, not for sacrificing to dark forces.
- No more declaring, “The sacrament is complete!” at the conclusion of every meeting.
- The bloodstained robes are not an anytime outfit.
- The illusion of eyes on every wall in the headquarters was scary once. Now knock it off.
No matter what your pact, the process of binding yourself to power has prepared you well for life in an Acquisitions Incorporated franchise. Gathering secret information from the operatives of rival organizations, a bit of well-timed sabotage on some manufacturing equipment, or intimidating contractors into turning their backs on a rival are all regular business for an Acq Inc warlock.
¶ The Archfey
Many folk think of the fey as mysterious sylvan creatures that occasionally get up to harmless pranks. As a warlock of the Archfey, you know better—and are perfectly suited to lay the truth down whenever you can. You and your magic exemplify the duality of light and dark, and your motivations are often as inscrutable as those of your fey master. This can be an advantage when rivals are trying to suss out your plans. But it can be frustrating when allies start harping about, “What are you up to?”, and “Why won’t you talk to us?”, and “Why did you kill those people?” Just tell them anything. It keeps them happy.
¶ The Celestial
As a warlock of the Celestial, you meld the powerful magic of your class with the heavenly attitude of the Upper Planes. Your light-infused, radiant-based power makes it easy to establish trust among franchise mates and customers alike. That false sense of security then comes in handy whenever it’s necessary to remind people that being good doesn’t necessarily mean being lawful—and that even being lawful leaves a lot of wiggle room.
¶ The Fiend
When people speak of doing deals with the darkness, you know just what they’re talking about. As a warlock of the Fiend, you have a ton of experience walking the fine line between light and shadow. Or, you know, walking the shadow but being pretty sure the light is over there somewhere. As such, you’re the perfect person to take point when your franchise needs to get down and dirty to succeed.
¶ The Great Old One
Everybody’s met that one mind-addled poet at the end of the bar spouting all kinds of nonsense. But only you can really appreciate the truth of what they’re talking about. As a warlock of the Great Old One, you harness the power of unreality and madness for the benefit of your franchise. You are known for consistently offering up plans and advice that go outside the box. Way, way outside. And when your plans turn to profit, your franchise partners are thankfully there to take care of all that balance-sheet-and-coffer practical stuff. You’re more about the big insane ideas, really.
¶ The Hexblade
As a warlock of the Hexblade, you dwell always within the realm of the disturbing and the unknown. But wow, is it worth it. Your ability to focus power through your weapons makes you a perfect franchise enforcer. Your aptitude for cursing, hexes, and dark magic makes you a skilled negotiator. And your ability to create spectral interns makes you a personnel manager’s dream.